


No Place Like Home

by Napping



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Father-Son Relationship, Kid Fic, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:01:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21636277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Napping/pseuds/Napping
Summary: Buck and Eddie have been dating for 2 years, and Buck couldn't be happier. He felt secure and happy, he felt like he finally belonged. He's found the family he has always wanted to find. He found his home. Frankly, yes, he's let his guard down.That might be the reason why it hit him so unexpectedly when he found the plane tickets. And suddenly, everything seemed to rock back into place.Eddie was going to leave him. He was going to pack his things, take Chris and leave Buck behind. Everybody seemed to, eventually.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 137
Kudos: 732





	1. Chapter 1

The funny thing, and he meant funny in a way that it would be absolutely hilarious if it didn’t hit him so low and made him feel so fundamentally sad, was that he has actually not seen it coming. And maybe that had been his first, what seemed to be many, mistake. He had felt secure. Like there was nothing wrong with the world as long as Eddie would keep on looking at him like he was the happiest person on earth as long as Buck smiled right back. As long as Christopher would fall asleep between them on the couch after a long movie night, a little smile on his lips as if he has never had any worries in his life.

Yes, the longer Buck really thought about it, the more sense it made. He’s let his guard down. He hadn’t thought about the fact that he never got to keep anything that actually made him happy. He had totally forgotten, for one foolish second, that he lost everything that made him feel good, eventually.

Buck looked back down to the tickets in his hands. They were printed out, just lying there. They looked innocent enough. Buck nearly missed them when he’d been cleaning over the dresser in their bedroom, that’s how unimportant they seemed.

This was like Abby all over again. He found something that made him happy. He got lost in it. He gave it his all. And then they left, that was just how things went for him. With Abby, though, he had known before she’s even bought the tickets. She had wanted to travel all her life, she wanted to be free, wanted to experience new things and he couldn’t blame her for that. He never would. It was her right to be find happiness somewhere else and he understood if it wasn’t with him. He had known, always, deep down.

Eddie, though, has never said anything about it. He’s ever mentioned a wish to travel or the urge to get out of here. Yet, the evidence was here. But more damning this time, as far as Buck was concerned, anyway. No, Eddie has never wanted to travel, not after he’d been enlisted so far away for years. He didn’t want to unroot Christopher and he’s had his whole family here. There was just one explanation for his need to apparently flee the country sooner rather than later and it broke Buck’s heart to think about it.

He was running. Not towards something and to seize nearly missed chances. He was fleeing. Eddie was gonna leave and not come back and the only reason he had as to why was Buck.

Buck resisted the urge to fiddle too much with the tickets in his hands. He couldn’t leave them all crumpled up, showing Eddie that he had looked through his private things. He hadn’t, not really, but he’s still found them and that just seemed like yet another reason to pile on the things that he’s apparently done wrong already.

Carefully, he got up, mechanically. One foot in front of the other before he reached the dresser and laid the tickets back down, just as he’s found them. He couldn’t keep overthinking them, he’d ask Eddie about it and he’d explain. He’d tell Buck why suddenly, after over 2 years together Buck wasn’t enough anymore.

Or maybe, he has never been enough to begin with.

When he came home that evening after his shift, the tickets were gone from the dresser, as if they’d never been there to begin with. Buck starred at the space where they’d laid what felt like just seconds ago. He wondered if, when he just pretended strongly enough, he could convince himself he’s never found them at all.

Eddie smiled when he kissed him good night. Buck smiled right back.

He didn’t sleep a wink the whole night.

_”9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”_

_”Yeah, hi! My Co - worker. His hand is — there are so many blisters on it, ew. Damn.”_

_”Did he burn his hand?”_

_”Uhm. Fried it, actually.”_

”Would it be unprofessional to say that I am dying for some fries right now?” Buck said, grinning up at Hen who rolled her eyes at him, bandaging the arm of the man who looked up at him like he didn’t know if he should laugh about it or roll his eyes too.

”Doesn’t sound like a bad idea, actually,” Eddie replied, handing Hen another bandage. ”How about we get fries to dinner this evening? Christopher would love that.”

”Tell the guy making your fries to keep his eyes on his hands while working,” the guy said through clenched teeth, his eyes never leaving his arm. ”Hurts like a bitch to get all of that on your skin, I tell you."

”You know what also hurts?” His co worker asked, leaning over Buck’s shoulder to watch Hen working. ”Having to clean the deep fryer because you thought your arm would be a nice side dish.”

”Can you make her leave, please? She is disturbing my recovery,” the man answered, shooting a smile at Hen. She raised and eyebrow and then rubbed her hands clean on the thighs of her pants.

”Sorry, no can do,” she said, and then took Chim’s hand, who’s reached out to help her up. ”The only thing disturbing your recovery now would be if you didn’t put the cream on the wounds. Every morning and evening. If it gets infected, go to the hospital immediately, yes?”

The guy nodded and then waved until they pulled out of the parking lot.

”So, fries or Pizza?” Eddie asked over the coms, smiling at him. ”What do you think, Buck?”

 _Please don’t go_ , Buck thought. _Don’t go and leave me behind like everybody seems to._

 _”_ Fries?”

Buck waited for an hour after Christoper went to bed to bring it up. He’s thought of around 30 different way to bring the tickets up without sounding like he would fall to his knees and beg Eddie to not go and take the whole family Buck had with him. The family Buck has never thought he could have but now wasn’t ready to let go again. Which didn’t mean that he wouldn’t. If Eddie really thought that the only way to be happy would be to leave and be as far away from Buck as possible then he wouldn’t stop them. He was the first to understand that.

Part of him just wanted to confront him about it, anyway. Dead on, go for the hit and kill. Because Eddie had been the one who’s told him how important communication was and now, look how the tables have turned. Yet, he didn’t want to risk his chances. There might be some way to fix this. After all, he’s only bought the tickets until now. He hasn’t left yet. So maybe, somehow, Buck could turn this around.

”So,” Buck started, sounding casually as if he hadn’t he built this sentence in his head over and over, switched verbs and nouns, looked for message and delivery and had planned it from the first letter to the dot. ”Any plans for the holidays?”

It was an innocent enough question. There could be an easy explanation for all of this. Eddie was planning to go on vacation with Chris in the Christmas holidays. Sure, it was odd that he’d not mentioned that before now, but Buck could forgive that. Could forgive any and everything if it meant that he could keep all of that.

Eddie looked up and locked eyes with him in the bathroom mirror, one eyebrow raised. He moved his toothbrush the left of his mouth and then shock his head. ”Not really,” he said through a mouth full of toothpaste and then spit it out into the sink. ”Why do you ask?”

Buck squared his shoulders and put a smile on his face. ”No reason,” he said, not a waver in his voice. His mind, though, was nothing but a mantra of _He is lying, he is lying, there is no reason to lie about that other than that he was already planning on packing his things, take the kid and leave. Leave and never come back._ ”I just thought we might take Chris somewhere. He’s wanted to go to Disney World for ages.”

Eddie turned around and put his hands around Buck’s waist. ”You are sweet,” he said and leaned up to press a kiss to Buck’s mouth.

Not sweet enough, though, it seemed.

Sleep found him eventually, but not before he made up a plan. He’d been right before. Eddie hadn’t mentioned it, which meant that maybe he wasn’t all too set on the idea yet. Buck may still be able to turn it around. Convince Eddie to stay, somehow. Buck turned around, pulling Eddie closer to his chest. If only he knew, where exactly he’d fucked up, he’d fix it, immediately. As it was, though, he just needed to look for any mistakes he’s made or would make and work on being the best self he could be. He’d show Eddie that staying would be for the best. He could be enough to get him to reconsider leaving.

If he held him extra tight that night, nobody had to know.

_”9-1-1,what’s your emergency?”_

_”Hello, my name is Daniel.”_

_”Hello, Daniel. What is your emergency?”_

_”There was a car crash? I think. Well, yes there was. He was just walking over the street.”_

_”What is your location, sir? You said a car hit a person?”_

_”No, two!”_

_”Two cars crashed?”_

_”No, there are two. Two cars, they crashed while he was standing in he middle of it. I think I see one of his arms peaking out from in between them. Please hurry.”_

Buck grabbed his bag tighter and hurried up to the two cars in the middle off the street. Eddie walked right in front of him, jaws of life already in his hands, just waiting for Bobby to tell him when to use them. He didn’t look much of anything besides tensed and professional all the same. He always did when they were on call. Buck didn’t think he’s only noticed that just now but he was more consciously aware of it.

He watched him. Whenever he could, he looked for signs that his smile wasn’t real or that he felt like he needed to run from Buck instead of talking it all out, but there was nothing.

Maybe he just didn’t want to find anything, though. He knew he wasn’t ready to. He couldn’t bring another person he thought loved him to the airport and watch them leave him behind. He couldn’t.

”Sir, can you hear me?” Buck leaned in close to the part of the two cars that had collided. The caller had been right, there was hand reaching out of there, bloody and unmoving. ”The LAFD is here to help you, can you understand me?”

”I don’t think he’s conscious,” Chimney leaned in next to him and looked down to the cars doubtfully. ”Cap?”

”Eddie, try to open it up. See if we can find a way to get to him without injuring him further,” Bobby answered, stepping back to give Eddie more room.

They worked half an hour to find a way to get the man out of the remains of the cars. He was unresponsive but alive when they got him out. Buck hated that they weren’t allowed to see him to the hospital fully. He just wanted to make sure he’d be alright.

”Hey,” Eddie said softly next to him, putting a hand to his shoulder. ”How about we go and get Christoper from school together today?”

Buck turned around to face his boyfriend. He was smiling as brightly as he had yesterday. And the day before that. The whole month before that. But yet, somehow, on one of these days, it hadn’t been genuine anymore. Buck couldn’t see the difference, couldn’t see the reason, but he had every evidence he needed to know the truth.

Eddie Diaz stopped being happy with him a while ago and he had no idea how to make it right.

”Sounds good,” Buck smiled right back. ”How about we cook something today? Bobby just showed me this new recipe and I think I could actually do that.”

Buck brought flowers for Eddie the day after that.

Cooked dinner and did the dishes.

Cleaned the whole house and didn’t complain about work once.

He tried to stop with the inappropriate jokes and teasing.

Two weeks after finding the tickets, though, it all seemed too much to bear on his own. Buck had thought once he’s slept over it for a few nights over it, he’d be able to put it behind him. Live every day as it came but it wasn’t that easy.

”What do you want for breakfast, buddy?” Buck looked at Christoper who was sitting at the table and colouring a paint by numbers. ”Wanna share some cereal?”

”I want French toast!” Chris called out excitedly and grinned lopsidedly up at Buck. Buck was so far gone on this kid, he couldn’t help but smile back.

”You wanna help me make them, too, champ?” He asked and walked over to pick him up and settle him on his hip. He was getting too big for that, slowly. Buck could have sworn only a few months ago he’d been able to lift him without thinking twice about it but their boy was growing like weed. Buck cuddle the boy to his chest for a second, he didn’t even want to think about the fact that soon, he might not be able to do that.

And that was when the depth of it all hit him. He may not even be there to see Chris getting to big to be picked up. Chris and his father might be who knows where, somewhere, on another continent, updating Instagram more often than sending him texts. He might never get to see Christopher grow up at all.

And that was how Buck found himself at his sister’s front door that very evening, out of breath and heart pumping so loudly in his ears, it gave him a headache.

”Evan?” Maddie asked as she opened the door. ”Are you okay?”

Buck looked at her for just a silent second before he shook his head. There was only one answer to this question and he promised he’d never lie to his sister about anything. ”I thought I was.”

Maddie’s couch was comfortable to sit on, soft but firm and Buck didn’t feel a thing of it. He just remembered that it had been him and Eddie who’d carried it inside, laughing to themselves when they hit about 10 walls on their way inside. Eddie had laid his head back and laughed about Buck’s face when they hit corner number three and Buck had nearly dropped the couch with the heaviness of the realisation that had overcome him. How much he was undeniable, helplessly in love with his best friend.

”Are you hurt?” Maddie asked and passed him a hot cup of tea.

”It’s not that,” he said and looked down at the tea bag in his cup. It burned his palms slightly but he didn’t move to put it down. ”I just, I don’t know. Why do I keep screwing things up?”

It was a heavy question to unload on his sister and he knew that. He still just had to _know_ though. He had to know why he never seemed to be enough for the people he wanted to be _everything_ for.

”You don’t,” she answered convinced, without second thought it seemed. Buck wished she wouldn’t just agree but look at the whole picture instead. He didn’t want to know whether or not he screwed up. He wanted to know _why_ he managed to do that every time he thought he’s found something that may even make him happy forever.

”You aren’t listening,” Buck insisted and ran a hand through his hair. Maddie was supposed to understand him without him having to say too much. _Why is it everybody you wanna date flees the state or the country?_ She had said when Buck had talked to her about Ali. It was supposed to be a joke. That didn’t mean she was wrong, though. ”He is about to leave.”

Maddie blinked and then clenched her eyes together. ”Who?”

Buck shot a meaningful gaze her way, put his cup of tea down and then buried his head in his hands. How? How did he manage to screw this up now too? It was as if he just couldn’t learn his lesson often enough. ”Eddie.”

Maddie didn’t answer for a moment, long enough for Buck to look back up. His sister’s mouth was slightly opened and one of her eyebrows was raised in surprise. ”Is he going on vacation? This is an odd time. Chimney’s just told me that getting free days this late in the year is close to impossible.”

Buck just looked at her. Hoping that if he just starred long enough, she’d put one and one together. She knew how it went. She’s heard about Abby and about Ali and there really weren’t more clues she’d need to put that one together. ”He is not going on vacation,” Buck added nonetheless after she didn’t answer. ”And I doubt he’s coming back once he’s gone.”

”Has he been enlisted again? Why would he do that?” Maddie asked, sounding even more surprised now. Buck really began to question his own sanity, how could she not put this together? It was all right there.

He was happy. So of course, the other shoe needed to drop eventually. His heart ached at the thought, just a little bit. A little pull in his chest with a pain that echoed through his entire body. ”He didn’t enlist again, Maddie.”

”So where is he going then?” Maddie asked, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear and looked at him with big eyes. Buck wondered how she could be so smart but yet miss the obvious that he’s been laying out right in front of her.

”Scotland?” Buck said and huffed out a breath that sounded just close enough to a sob to not pass as a laugh anymore. Maddie’s attention sharpened back on him, she leaned forward and put a hand on his arm.

”Why would he go to Scotland, Buck?” She caressed his arm with her thumb in soft, relaxing circles. Buck didn’t calm down the slightest bit.

He rubbed over his forehead with one of his hands and then raised both of them in a helplessly clueless gesture. ”Ok, maybe not Scotland. Germany, maybe? Back to Mexico? France? I’ll see it on his instagram story, I’m sure.”

”Buck, what is going on? Did you guys get into a fight?” Maddie sounded worried. Buck wondered if there’d ever been a time when she hadn’t had reason to worry about him.

”I wish it was that easy,” Buck breathed out and couldn’t help the little sad laugh that forced its way out of his throat. It was funny, wasn’t it? How he always believed to have found something special, something that turned him into a better person, a person he was proud to be and then, he had to watch everyone leave him behind. Because apparently, there was always one thing that’d forever be undoubtedly true. No matter who he was or who he could turn into, Evan Buckley was never and will never be, enough for the people he loves the most.

”Buck, what is it?” Maddie looked even more serious now. Buck got why, he’d been stretching this one out, always in the silent hope that he wouldn’t have to say it out loud, yet again.

”I found plane tickets. Eddie is gonna leave, just like Abby did before him.” Buck kept eye contact with his sister even though it hurt. It hurt to see not as much surprise on her face now, just sadness. No doubt, though. No question. Buck felt like he was stuck in a loop.

He’d find somebody. Be happy. Picture a future with them. And then they left. Left the state or the country, because no amount distance seemed to be far enough all of the sudden.

”There could be many reasons to have plane tickets. Eddie wouldn’t just get up and leave,” Maddie argued, her voice calm and reasonable. It was her 9-1-1 voice. The voice that was supposed to calm the panicking person down, because no matter how a situation was going to end, panic was never helped to deal with it. Buck felt like that voice just reminded him that this was very well a situation in which he had every right to panic. His family was about to get up and leave him behind, never looking back. ”You should talk to him about it.”

Buck nodded and scratched his arm. ”I have. I asked if he was planning to go on vacation or something and he said no. The next time I checked, the tickets were gone. He’s hidden them, Maddie.”

”Buck, he is not going to just leave the country. What reason would he have to do that?”

Buck knew it was a question that was supposed to calm him down. It was supposed to show him that he had nothing to worry about, but she had failed to consider that he was still him.

”Because of me!” He called out, surprising both of them with how loud he’d said it. ”Because it’s me,” he repeated more quietly, pathetically honest.

”What is that supposed to mean?” Her voice sounded strict. She warned him to be careful what he’d say next, but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t true.

”Don’t you see it?” Buck asked, getting up from the couch and began pacing. Her carpet was soft underneath his feet, warming them. He’d planned to buy more carpets for his and Eddie’s house, maybe put one in the bedroom. He might never get the chance to do so now. ”Not one, not two, but three people have fled the country because of me! It’s me, Maddie. I am the problem. And -”

”And?” Her voice was thick with concern.

”And it’s him.” Buck shrugged helplessly and turned to face her. ”It’s _him._ Maddie, he is gonna leave.”

”Evan, you are not the problem, okay?” She held eye contact with him, her eyes bright in the light of the overhead lighting. ”Abby didn’t run from you, she ran towards herself. Ali needed to go because of her job.”

Buck blinked, the heavy pain in his chest feeling as if it was spreading through his whole body, leaving an ache behind which he thought might bring him to his knees. ”And Eddie?” He asked, his voice heavy and thick with emotions.

”He is still here, Buck.”

Buck cocked his head to the side, clenching his eyes together. She wasn’t wrong. As to now, Eddie was still here. So maybe, somehow, Buck could really fix this. Maybe there was some way to turn it all around.

And maybe that had to start with having an open and honest conversation with Eddie. Lay his cards on the table and hope that he wasn’t going to lose everything he had in the next few hours.

When Buck unlocked the door, he saw Eddie and Chris sitting by the kitchen table, laughing. Chris’s laughter was bright and loud and Eddie was looking at his son, pure adoration written all over his face. Buck closed the door behind him quietly, not wanting to interrupt their moment. He felt doubt crashing down on him.

He took one shoe off, then the other. Hung his jacket on the coat hanger. Put his scarf next to it. By the time he let go of the soft material of his scarf, he’s made his decision.

He wouldn’t talk to him about it. He wouldn’t chase him away, not when it seemed like Eddie himself was still unsure. And if he decided to leave, Buck would let him, because he deserved to leave. He won’t trap him here and wait for the light in his eyes to go out. Wait for him to be unhappy. Watch him grow even more tired of him.

”Buck!” Chris called from the kitchen. Buck felt himself starting to smile, not having any control over it.

”Hey, buddy!” He called back and walked up to the table. The floor was cold and hard underneath his feet. ”I brought pizza.”

”You did?” Eddie got up and took the boxes from him. ”I love you, man.”

 _Do you, though?_ Buck thought, feeling the smile on his face dim slightly. ”I love you too.”

And so he just waited. Waited for the other show to drop. Waited for the day he’d wake up and see Eddie’s side of the bed cold and abandoned. Waited for the day he’d come home and find suitcases by the door.

Waited for the day when his family would leave and move on without him, while he’d be all alone, again. 


	2. Chapter 2

It was the fourth week after finding the tickets that Buck realised he may not be able to ever stop thinking about what might happen, sooner with every day that passed. With every hour which went by he grew more scared.

He’s scared to leave Eddie at home alone. Scared to come home alone. Scared that when he unlocks the front door, when he comes back, Eddie and Chris would be gone. Out of his life, out of the state, and he’ll be alone again. This time maybe forever.

”I think if I was angry bird, I’d be the red one!” Chris shouted and laughed, his head thrown back.

Buck watched Eddie nod at him seriously and then smile. ”Why the red one? He’s always so angry. I think the yellow one would fit better, wouldn’t it, buddy?”

Buck opened his mouth, ready to make fun of his boyfriend, when Chris interrupted him excitedly. ”All of them are angry, Dad!”

”Yeah, Eddie,” Buck was finally able to add. He laid an arm around Chris’s shoulders and looked at his boyfriend with a mock disappointed frown. ”They are all _angry_ birds. The colours don’t mean anything.”

Chris giggled and leaned his head against Buck’s shoulder. ”The red one is the coolest of them all.”

”Yeah?” Eddie asked and ran a hand through Chris’s hair. ”And why is that?”

”Because he’s red, duh,” Buck answered before Chris could and immediately got a disapproving shaking of head as an answer.

”That’s not all that makes him cool,” Chris chimed in matter of factly. ”He can reach any location on the map! None of the other birds can do that.”

”I still think the yellow one is cool,” Eddie grumbled playfully. ”He can split into three birds.”

”That’s the blue one,” Chris and Buck said at the same time. Buck grinned down to the child in his arms. As of right now, he could still have this. He could still have his family. He swallowed against the lump that was building up in his throat at the thought that all of this might come to an end soon. ”And that’s still not cooler than the red one,” Chris added seriously and then smiled up at Buck.

Eddie raised his arms and laughed softly. ”My boys are teaming up against me, I don’t stand a chance.”

Buck laughed and put a hand on Eddie’s arm. ”Poor Eddie,” he cooed and then pulled his hand back laughing when Eddie hit it playfully.

In week six, Buck realized that not knowing what the problem was, wasn’t the worst of it. He could handle it. He just kept on trying to fix any and everything that people have ever criticised about him.

It wasn’t the feeling of never being good enough either. He was used to it anyway, in a sad way. Too sad to over analyse it. Sometimes his best fell a little short and right now it seemed to be worse than sometimes. He could work on it. Could work to be Buck 3.0 or 4.0 up to 10.0 if that was what it was going to take.

It came to him after another week, when he looked at the clock on the nightstand, realising he’s yet again not been able to catch even a second of sleep. The whole thing stole his sleep at night and kept him distracted all day long and that was when he finally understood what really was the worst thing about it all.

”Will you be home late today?” Eddie asked Buck and leaned his forearms on his shoulders from behind him. Buck looked over his shoulder from where he was sitting at the table in the firehouse, eating leftovers.

”I think so,” he said through his bite of pasta. ”Bobby asked if I could stay and clean the truck.”

Eddie hummed and laid his cheek on his arms, still lying over Buck’s shoulders. ”How about Chris and I cook dinner for you?”

Buck grinned and leaned his head back to press a little kiss on Eddie’s left eyebrow, the only part of him he could reach. ”That sounds perfect. I think you two should also bake chocolate muffins. Chris would have fun doing that.”

Eddie laughed softly and straightened up, just to sit down on the chair next to Buck, facing him. ”We’d bake just for Chris, I am sure. No other motive here.”

Buck pulled the corners of his mouth down and acted as if he had to think really hard. ”I mean, you also got a boyfriend with a craving for muffins, but generally -”

”You are the worst,” Eddie laughed and then just shut his mouth, looking at Buck for a few seconds.

Buck wiped over his mouth self consciously, ducking his head. ”What? Do I have pasta sauce smeared all over my face? I knew this would happen.”

Eddie shock his head and smiled softly, putting on of his hands on Buck’s cheek, his thumb softly rubbing over his cheekbone. ”There is no pasta on your face, Buck.”

Buck raised and eyebrow and grinned at his boyfriend. ”So what are you starring at me for?”

Eddie opened his mouth to answer, but got interrupted by Chimney who walked past them, on his way to the fridge.

”Because he’s in love,” he teased and then turned back around from where he’s been looking into the fridge. ”Buck have you really eaten all the pasta?”

Buck nodded absentmindedly. He was only barely able to hear the question at all.

 _Because he’s in love_ , he’s said. Because that’s what everybody around them knew and didn’t doubt. But was Eddie still in love with him? Buck knew he used to be.

He looked up at his boyfriend, who was just leaning in to press a soft kiss to Buck’s lips. They’ve been kissing what must have been a thousand times over the past two years. It was something Buck grew used to. He knew that Eddie’s lips were always just a little chapped from where he worried them with his teeth. He knew how Eddie kissed and what his kisses meant. He’s never thought too much about it. But now his mind didn’t seem to be able to shut up. He felt as if he needed to savour all these moments. Burn every kiss Eddie gave him now into his long term memory, try and never forget the feeling. Because, who knew, it might be the last one.

He’d be working late today. Who was to say if when he came home, his family would still be there?

The worst of it all was the not knowing _when_. It was always there, in the front-lope of his brain, always right there on his mind and he was just waiting. He was waiting for the shoe to drop and it all to come true. He knew it was going to happen but he didn’t know _when_. One of these days will have been his last with his little family and he won’t even know it until it was too late.

Buck looked down to the keys in his hands and back to the wooden door. There was no light visible or noise to be heard from the outside. Theoretically, logically he knew that it was late and there were about a thousand good reasons why it seemed like nobody was home. Only a few weeks ago, he wouldn’t even have thought about it, he’d just known that Christopher and Eddie were already sleeping. Now? It felt like he couldn’t unlock the door and see it for himself. Whatever waited for him behind the door would be something final. _Could_ be, anyway.

He might go inside, see Eddie’s jackets on the hanger and Chris’s shoes lying around somewhere, waiting to be stumbled over. There’d be leftovers in the kitchen that he’d only have to heat up as late night dinner. Chis would already be asleep, tucked tightly into his bed, glasses on his nightstand. Eddie has always been a light sleeper, so he’d wake up when Buck came inside. He’d smile and tell him to hurry and get ready for bed already.

Everything could be as it has been for years. He could walk inside and he wouldn’t be alone. He’d open the door and his family would be there. But what if they weren’t. What if he unlocked the door and there was nothing but his shoes, his jackets. Chris’s bed cold and abandoned. Eddie nowhere to be found.

Buck sighed and fiddled with his keys. He couldn’t remember the last time he’s been this scared. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. _You deserve better_ , Maddie would tell him if he walked inside and was left alone yet again. _It wasn’t meant to be._ But he knew it was. He didn’t deserve better, he didn’t want to, he just wanted them. Buck opened his eyes and put the key into the lock with a shaking hand.

Chris’s shoes were lying in front of the stairs. It smelled like meatloaf and his family. Buck leaned back against the door, breathing heavily, clutching his trembling hands over his chest.

Not today then, it seemed. And with that, the sick feeling that had faded away once he’s seen his boyfriends jacket hanging right where it always was, came back in full force. Followed him to the kitchen. Stayed when he ate and went upstairs to Chris’s bedroom to check on him. It was like an unshakeable buzz in the back of his head when he fell down on his bed, being pulled to Eddie’s chest almost instantly.

Buck closed his eyes and leaned into his boyfriend’s touch, grateful to be able to have this for at least one more day.

”What do you _mean_ you don’t know Bohemian Rhapsody?” Hen’s mouth had fallen slightly open in incredibility and then she turned to the rest of the team as to find reassurance that she wasn’t losing her mind.

”I have literally no idea what that is,” Buck shrugged and took another bite of his brownie. When he looked up, he saw both Chimney and Bobby had joined Hen in looking at him like he’s just teleported here from mars. ”What?”

”Mama just killed a man?” Chimney asked, to which Buck only frowned. ”I don’t wanna die, I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all? Nothing?”

Buck finished his brownie and shook his head again. ”As far as I’m concerned, the world didn’t start until I was born.”

Hen cocked her head to the side and pointed to Eddie who was putting muffins in a box to take home with him for Christopher. Buck handed him two brownies to take with them. ”Your boyfriend is older than you, Buck. Your world started before you were born.”

Eddie laughed and shook his head. Buck smiled up at him and then opened his mouth to defend himself when Chimney interrupted him.

”He’s just a poor boy from a poor family?” He asked his hands flying up. ”So you think you can love me and leave me to die?”

”Chim, hey, let it go, there is no hope,” Bobby said slowly, an amused smile on his face.

”It’s a classic. It’s the most important song ever written,” Chimney answered and then blew out air before sitting back down.

”I think there’s an anthem or two that beg to differ,” Buck said and smiled at Chimney. His mind, though, just repeating one thing over and over. ”Also, Chris wrote a song about the little mermaid a while back and as far as I’m concerned, there is no more important song than that.”

Eddie laughed in honesty and laid an arm around his shoulders. Buck never wanted him to let him go. ”He’s not wrong. That song was adorable, he’s had a little dance and everything.”

”Sounds like we already have the band for the Christmas party, then,” Bobby smiled and took the plate with the last brownie and held it out to Chimney before Buck could get it. Buck fake sulked and leaned more into Eddie’s touch.

”Then the rest of the entertainment for the night is me, crying,” Buck added and grabbed a muffin instead. ”Chris happily dancing gets me every time.”

”You should see him,” Eddie added and pressed a quick kiss to Buck’s temple. ”All the water works. Sobs and snots and all.”

Hen and Bobby laughed, but Chimney just looked from Buck to his brownie and back.

”It’s Bohemian Rhapsody! How could he not know that song. It is everywhere and with good reason.”

”Pick your battles, Chim,” Eddie laughed, shaking his head. ”I’ll make sure he’ll listen to it."

”Make sure he appreciates it, too.”

Buck shook his head and rolled his eyes at Chimney amusedly. ”I’ll make sure to criticise everything about it.”

”About _Queen?”_

 _”_ Who?” Buck teased, to which Hen shoved him slightly.

”Stop messing with Chimney, he looks like he’ll put rebar through your head if you say another word,” Bobby said before getting up to bring their stacked up plates to the kitchen.

”I was considering it,” Chimney confirmed and went to help Bobby clean up.

Eddie said something else to him, but Buck had stopped to listen. Now that they were nearly alone at the table it was hard to ignore his thoughts. His mind that was yelling at him, s _o you think you can love me and leave me to die._

The problem with always trying to be perfect became painfully obvious rather fast. Buck was giving everything he could, jumping from left to right, bending backwards and out of shape to meet every single one of the expectations Eddie probably didn’t even know he had. There was nothing that was too much, nothing Buck wouldn’t try to think of, reading each and every of Eddie’s wishes without him having to say a word. At least Buck hoped that was what he was doing. He’d learn his lesson soon, though. For what was consistently being bend out of shape, would end up broken.

The house was spotlessly clean, dishes were washed, dinner always ready on time. Buck didn’t leave his socks lying on the bedroom floor anymore, didn’t forget to place the key in the bowl next to the door, didn’t leave empty bottles in the car. His mind never seemed to be able to catch a break anymore, constantly just working to find out what he’d missed. What he had done wrong all this time and had to fix now.

What he learned though, sadly sooner rather than later, was that nobody could be perfect all the time. There was no way to always think of everything, always be right on top, aways have good days. It was exhausting to try and win a competition against no-one but himself when either way, in one form or another, he was going to lose.

Buck looked down to his feet, he curled his toes in on the carpet. He’d bought one a few days ago, even though he knew he shouldn’t have. In the end it’d be one more thing he’d have to pack up and bring into a new apartment later. ”Eddie, look, I’m sorry.”

Eddie scoffed and crossed his hands over his chest. ”I’m not mad, Buck.”

”Yes, you are,” Buck said and looked up from his toes. The carpet would look good at Maddie’s place. Maybe he could talk her into keeping it, he doubted he’d like to take it with him, a constant reminder of what could have been but wasn’t. ”And you have every right to be.”

”I don’t _want_ to be mad,” Eddie gave in and blew out some air. ”It’s just- Buck, I reminded you 5 times, at least.”

”I know that,” Buck nodded. He _did_ know that. He had known it all day long. But it had gotten lost on his list of _Folding the Laundry, Study with Chris, Cook Dinner, Wash dishes, Make a dentist appointment for Chris, Clean up the dirty cloths, Look if there are empty bottles in the car, Vacuum Clean, Put new Sheets on the bed, Put work schedule in the calendar, Look if you put the key in the bowl, Did you pick up all the laundry, Take out the trash._

 _”_ Oh, it’s great to know that you _knew_ that,” Eddie answered sarcastically, his voice a whole lot colder than it normally was. Buck didn’t flinch at the tone, but it was a close thing.

”I forgot, Eddie,” Buck tried to explain without saying too much. Without telling him _why_ he forgot. Not saying that he was losing sleep, that he was constantly so tired, but never seemed to be able to close his eyes at night. Tell him that he was so busy trying to be perfect, it just got lost somewhere. Somewhere on his metal list, he knew that he was supposed to go to Eddie’s Abuela after his shift at work to have dinner with Eddie and his parents. He had known.

He had bought flowers for Eddie’s mother and had practiced to tie his tie just right. He’s had it in the back of his mind the whole week long but when he got home, he’d been too exhausted, seeing nothing but all the things he still needed to do right in front of him, it’d just escaped his mind.

”We had to reschedule because of your work shifts and plans with Maddie and what not, three times, Buck. Three,” Eddie said, heatedly.

Buck looked down to his toes again. The carpet was warm and soft underneath his feet. ”Yes,” he said. There was nothing else to say.

”Don’t just say yes! You know how frustrating this was?” Eddie’s voice raised slightly.

Buck knew how frustrating it must have been. Eddie’s parents haven’t been happy with him living here, they still thought Eddie should move back in with them. They were supportive, yes, but also looking for every tiny thing to go wrong which they could use as reason to show Eddie how bad of an idea it was to keep living in L.A.. Eddie was exhausted by it and if there was ever something that could make him mad like nothing else it was knowing that his parents got another reason to never change their opinion about his life choices. It was Eddie’s trigger.

And Buck had pulled it.

And there Eddie was, breathing heavily, not by much, it was a really subtle thing but Buck saw it. Saw how his eyebrows raised slowly and how his eyes flickered thought the room. Eddie has had enough of him. It’s been a long time coming.

Buck nodded silently. He didn’t know what to say to make it better. To show Eddie that even though he had screwed up, he had been trying. He had been trying _so_ hard. He was sorry if it wasn’t enough. He never seemed to be.

”They were already just waiting for something like this to happen. Do you want to know what they’ve said?” Eddie scoffed again. His cheeks were slightly red with anger, his eyes dark. ”My mother asked me if you are always this unreliable. She wanted to know what would happen if one day you just forget to pick up Christopher somewhere? How I knew that I could count on you. How can I?”

Buck looked up fast at the last sentence. Eddie’s said it a rush as if he had waited a long time to get these words out. His heart was beating heavily in his chest, bumping hurt all through his body.”I am reliable,” Buck answered slowly. He might be trying to get Eddie to forgive him, to see past this mistake and all the others he’s made. But he has also worked hard to improve himself, to be somebody you could trust and count on. Eddie knew that. He knew that Buck was worried people might always see him as a partying 25 year old you couldn’t trust to have your back. Worst of all may be though, that Eddie had to know that it’d hurt him and he’d said it anyway.

Eddie raised his left eyebrow, a dark smile tucking at his lips. He looked frustrated, ready to get into a big fight over this. Buck had no questions about how that was going to end. ”And yet, today when I was counting on you, when I _needed_ you, where were you?”

”I _forgot_ , Eddie. I didn’t do it on purpose, I just had so much on my mind,” Buck shot back, and swallowed against the lump in his throat. This was getting personal. Unfortunately, once Eddie was angry, there was no turning back. Eddie’s never worn anger well.

”Too much on your mind to think of the _one_ thing I asked of you?”

Buck scoffed, forgetting for a second that there was no way for him to win this. He’d end up alone, again, because he always did. ” _One_ thing? First of all, I think you forget how much I do for you on a daily basis and secondly, you are right. It was _one_ thing, Eddie. One single thing that I didn’t think of.”

” _I_ ask a lot of _you_?” Eddie’s cheeks grew redder and he stepped closer to Buck. ”You are so childish, you know that? What? I ask you to wash the dishes and you throw a tantrum?”

”Don’t call me childish! You know exactly how much I hate that,” Buck called, ignoring that it made him sound like a child. He was not Buck 1.0 anymore, he had worked hard on himself and Eddie knew that. He _had_ to know that. ”Look at what you are angry about right now. I apologised and I came there as soon as you called.”

”I can call you whatever the hell I want, when you act like it. Evan, as soon as I called was still too late. Do you even know how long my parents are gonna chew me out for that one?” Eddie breathed heavily and then shook his head. ”They are never gonna stop pressuring me into moving back.”

”And?” Buck shouted and opened his arms in an angry gesture. ”You have one foot out the door anyway.”

Eddie’s face lost its anger for a second when confusion took over. Buck bit his tongue and stepped back, putting his hands over his mouth. When Eddie’s anger returned, Buck’s was long but burned out, extinguished right when Buck realised again that that had been a battle he shouldn’t have picked. That had been a thing he shouldn’t have let slip.

That had been the final straw, he could already tell. There was no coming back.

”What is that supposed to mean?” Eddie asked, his voice still hard but now laced with confusion as if for a second he was unsure what he had even been mad about just a second ago, so thrown off by Buck’s words.

Buck shook his head softly, eyes wide and unblinking ”Nothing,” he reassured quickly, his mind mantra of _Don’t let him know you know, Don’t let him know you know_. ”It’s nothing.”

Eddie raised his hands in question. ”That’s a lie.”

Buck bit his bottom lip, unsure of what to say next. Of course it had been a lie, but he had hoped Eddie wouldn’t call him on it. Of course it wasn’t nothing. It was Buck’s worst fears all combined into one, but Eddie wasn’t supposed to know that. Wasn’t supposed to know that Buck had been trying to give his all, be his absolute best and still had been found wanting. He wasn’t supposed to know that no matter how hard Buck tried, there was always something that would miss. Something that just wan’t good enough. Something that fell short.

”I’m sorry, Eddie,” Buck said instead of saying anything about it. ”I forgot and I know that it was important to you and I am just really sorry. That shouldn’t have happened. I didn’t mean to disappoint you.”

Eddie breathed out a long breath and looked up at Buck. ”But you have.”

Buck nodded and rubbed with a hand through his hair. ”I know.” He broke the eye contact again and let his gaze wander through the living room. Everything was clean, nothing out of place. The flowers he had brought Eddie two days ago were standing in a vase on the table, the pillows on the couch were fluffed and the shelves were free of dust. Yet, nothing of it mattered. Buck was the only one looking at all of that, it seemed. ”I’ll be spending the night at Maddie’s.”

He said it because it was what Eddie wanted. He didn’t want to leave, not now, not like this. But Eddie needed his space to cool off and Buck understood that. He had really let him down today and sometimes Eddie needed his own space. That knowledge didn’t make it any easier to accept that Buck had no idea if he’d still have a family tomorrow or whether he’d return to nothing but memories of the people he loved the most, people who left him behind without a second thought.

”Yeah, maybe that’s for the best.”

”I think you should call in sick, Evan,” Maddie said, laying her hand on his forehead.

”I am not sick.” Buck moved his head away from her hand and sighed. ”I can’t call in sick at work because I got into a fight with my boyfriend.”

Maddie shrugged and put on her jacket. ”Yes, you can. You didn’t sleep a wink last night, Buck. You have a dangerous job, one you have to be awake for, you know.”

”I am awake.” Buck got up from the couch and looked around the room for his keys. ”See, how you are having a conversation with me?”

Maddie rolled her eyes and put a scarf around her neck. ”Bobby would understand if you took a day off to just catch a break once in a while. You don’t need to be on top of everything at all times. It’s okay to just stop and breathe for a moment.”

Buck raised his hands in a questioning gesture. ”And what am I supposed to do then? Sit on your couch until you come back home?”

Maddie turned to face him fully. She looked a whole lot more serious from a second to the next and Buck felt his blood go cold. He was not ready for a serious conversation right now, he didn’t need another person to be mad at him. ”You could go home.”

”I’m giving Eddie some room, Maddie.” Buck stressed every syllable, not quite knowing who of the two of them he was trying to convince that that was the only reason.

”You are hiding. You have spend the whole night and half of the day here. Don’t you think it’s time to just go and talk to him? You’ll have to, eventually.” Her arguments sounded reasonable and logical. Buck didn’t know how to tell her that good logic didn’t change anything about the main problem, though.

”Maddie, I can’t go home,” he said. He didn’t even want to be this honest, but it was eating him up. She had to see his reasons, they weren’t hard to understand. Maybe that made it all the complicated.

”You need to, eventually,” she said and walked a step closer to him, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. ”He is still here, he didn’t go anywhere. It’s time to talk it all out."

”That is the point!” Buck’s voice sounded husky, as if he had just woken up. He knew devastation when he heard it, though. ”He _was_ still here, Maddie. I fucked up. I don't want to go home because when I do, he won’t be there anymore, don’t you get it?”

”I think you are the one who doesn’t get it. He wouldn’t just get up and leave,” Maddie sounded so sure of it, too. As if she hadn’t heard of Abby and Ali. As if they’ve never been right here, having this very argument, before.

”But what if he did?” Buck asked, hating that his voice didn’t hide at all how scared he was. Sad, and so horribly terrified.

”Then that is his problem and not yours.”

Buck shook his head, even more convinced now that it was Maddie who didn’t get it. He had no idea how she could not see it. ”I can get by without Ali, and also without Abby. But - but not him,” Buck spelled it out for her, and it made him feel all the more awful. It was one thing to constantly think about it, but actually saying it out loud made it a whole lot more real. It was out there now, more people than just him knew what he was about to lose. And what that loss would mean for him.

”If it really came to that,” Maddie said slowly as if she was also trying to spell out a point for him. Buck was not about to change his mind any time soon, so no matter what more arguments and reasons she had, there was no way for him to believe it. She didn’t know what he did. She hadn’t been with somebody who left her behind. And then another person who did the exact same. She didn’t know what it was like to never make the cut when the people she loved the most reevaluated what they needed in their lives. ”You would get through it. You’d still have me, the team, and we’d all be on your side.”

Buck didn’t tell her that it didn’t matter who was on his side as long as Eddie wasn’t by it. ”Listen to me,” he said, needed her to understand him even more now. ”He and his son, they are my entire family. I used to have nothing but this job but now- I can’t lose them. They are it for me, Maddie. There is not going to be anyone but them, ever. Never.”

Maddie sighed. She looked as sad as he felt for a moment, Buck wondered why. Wondered if he could have fixed that too if he finally learned how to do everything right. ”What are you gonna do?”

”Anything,” Buck answered without hesitation. There was no question about it, there never had been. ”Everything. Beg if necessary. And hope. Hope so much that maybe, somehow, I am lucky enough that when I get home, they’ll still be there.”

”They will be,” she said. Buck shook his head, a desperate laugh that couldn’t sound less happy erupted from his throat at her positivity.

”His suitcases are most likely packed already. I may never see him again, but if I do, I’ll give it my all.”

Buck cracked the knuckle of his pointer finger and took a deep breath. He didn’t know if he should add something else, something to maybe make Maddie worry less but he didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know much of anything if he was being honest.

”And you don’t think, maybe you aren’t the selfish one in this?” She asked, suddenly, without prompting.

Buck frowned at her, not seeing where she was going with this. ”Who else would it be, Maddie? I am thinking about guilt tripping him into staying.”

Maddie shakes her head at him in so much disbelieve, it was nearly offensive. As if she couldn’t believe he wasn’t able to put this one together. ”Buck, you are convinced he’ll run away without as much as saying something to you. Without talking to you. And you think you are the selfish one.”

Buck scoffed, knowing that his next words will make his sister even more sad but that didn’t mean he shouldn’t say it. She needed to know. ”It’s not selfish to not want to be near me anymore.”

Her eyes grew wide and then she shook her head in a few times in silence. She seemed like she wanted to disagree, but then settled on something else. Buck was glad. After all, she’d been the first person to ever run away and leave him behind, not that he’d point that out. She’s had every right to do so and as did Eddie.

”And who looks out for you?” She asked, her voice quieter than it had been before. As if she had grown more and more sad to see that her brother was not going to start finding the blame by anyone but himself any time soon. ”While you give any and everything for others?” She said it, as if it meant something.

Buck’s brain seemed to come to a screeching halt for a second at her words, though. He couldn’t think of a time when he had actually thought about that. Had actually considered that he maybe should start to also see his side of things. But then he only shrugged again. There was always somebody who was more important. Somebody who had a higher priority, at least for him.

He looked back at his sister and shrugged again. It didn’t matter anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!! I hope all of you had a great start into 2020 ❤️
> 
> I originally planned for this to only be 2 parts but then I wrote a bit more than I meant to, so I decided to split it into 3 parts!! I hope you enjoy this one ❤️ Let me know in the comments, they always make my entire day. I'm always so excited when I see I got a new one. 
> 
> I'll upload the next part ASAP!! And I also working on another Buddie story!! 
> 
> I hope you have a great day ❤️
> 
> \- Nick
> 
> ALSO also Why yes, I really did have this conversation about Bohemian Rhapsody. TWICE.  
> A guy I went to school with and is now also a co worker and studies at the same university as I do, came over and we had a late night conversation about favourite songs, so I was like 'Well, Riptide, always. Joy, also so good. And, oh, Bohemian Rhapsody, it's a must. It has to be named' and he looked at me and went 'What?' - and that's the story of how I nearly died at like 2 in the morning over sheer ignorance ™.  
> And then after that, I went to my sister and was like 'Can you believe he doesn't know Bohemian Rhapsody?' and she said - she had the audacity to say 'What? What song is that?'


	3. Chapter 3

The first thing he saw when he walked into work, was Eddie sitting on the bench in the locker room. He had his back turned to Buck and his head in his hands. He looked tired, small and devastated and as far as Buck was concerned that was no option. That was not acceptable.

Buck held on to the strap of his bag as he took a deep breath and walked into the locker room. Eddie looked up and locked eyes with him for a second. He looked tired today, there were dark circles under his eyes and his hair was just a bit more fluffed than usually. A bit less cared for. It made Buck realise that he had actually no idea what he looked like right now but he had the feeling that it was probably worse than him, so he just hoped nobody would call him on it.

The tension in the room built up more and more with every second in which neither of them said anything. Buck took the time to look more closely at his boyfriend. He was tired, yes, but the anger seemed to have disappeared from his face.

”Did your mother say something else?” Were the first words that escaped Buck’s mouth, without his consent because he actually couldn’t think of a worst way to start this conversation. He could have just said _Hey, remember the thing you were angry about yesterday? How did that work out for you while I spend the night on my sister’s couch?_ ”Sorry,” he added as sort of last resort try to fix things but Eddie just waved it off.

”I’m not mad anymore,” he said, as if he knew what Buck was searching for in his features. It wasn’t anger what Buck was worried about, not really, though. He was terrified to find certainty, determination, conviction. The emotions of a man who had made up his mind and who wasn’t going to change it anymore. A man who’d get up and run. As long as there was anger, it meant that Eddie was still invested enough. That something was still keeping him.

”I’m still sorry, though,” Buck added, sounding small. He cocked his head to the side self consciously, trying to lighten the tension a little. Eddie not being mad was the first step, but in which direction, Buck didn’t know.

”And I appreciate that.” Eddie got up and walked over to where Buck was standing. ”But you are not the only one who made mistakes. I was just so angry, because you know what my parents are gonna be like from now on and how they won’t let it go, but -”

”But?” Buck asked softly, not quite believing what he was hearing. Then again, Eddie has always been really forgiving, once the first wave of anger was over. He had always been somebody who stored all his feelings in a box, in a dark corner of his mind, until it spilled over. Buck guessed that he had bought the tickets in such a moment.

”But you are only human. Forgetting is a thing that happens,” Eddie breathed out and rubbed the back of his head. ”I freaked out on you and said mean things that weren’t fair, not when it was just such a simple, little oversight.”

”You weren’t wrong,” Buck shrugged, because apparently he had not learned his lesson about picking his battles. He didn’t know why he felt the need as if he had to explain all the reasons why he should be mad at him to Eddie. He was giving him an easy way out but it seemed to be Buck’s primary instinct to never let himself get off the hook too easily. ”You couldn’t rely on me yesterday.”

Eddie shook his head in so much conviction, it was hard to believe he was the same man who had just yesterday called Buck childish right to his face even though he should know by now that that was an sore spot for him. ”You aren’t a machine. Sometimes things get lost in the system and that is okay.”

Buck couldn’t see why Eddie was letting him off that easy. He was officially lost. Yes, Eddie forgave quickly, but here was genuine understanding and admitting to mistakes that weren’t even 24 hours in the past.

”I’m sorry,” Buck answered because he didn’t know how else to correct and also because it was true and he felt like he hadn’t said it often enough.

”So am I. I said things that I didn’t mean but that doesn’t make it okay to have said them at all,” Eddie said, honestly and then looked up from to the ceiling when an alarm began to ring through the department. ”Hey, I think we need to talk some more later? When we get home?”

And that was when the penny dropped and shifted everything a bit painfully in place. Eddie was forgiving him for all and everything because he was going to leave later. Buck has always been wondering when he’d come home and see that his family was gone, but it might be worse than that. Or better, he couldn’t quite tell. Eddie was gonna sit him down and explain to him that he was going to leave and why and Buck would have no choice but to see his family crumple apart in real time.

Eddie leaned in and pressed a lingering kiss to Buck’s lips. He felt taken aback at first. His mind had been running with the idea of Eddie breaking up with him, having him kiss him felt so weirdly out of place, so disconnected from all the other pieces he’d collected, which finally showed a whole picture. Buck closed his eyes and put a bit more heat into the kiss instantly. This might be the last one. This might be the last time he’d ever get to kiss Eddie.

And there it was. His heart broken in so many pieces, Buck didn’t understand how he could still be standing there. He didn’t understand how he could be in so much pain and not simply evaporate or explode into noting but dust.

Eddie’s shift ended a few hours before Buck’s did, so he’s had time to prepare dinner and put Chris to bed before Buck came home. Buck wished he didn’t have time to do that. As far as he knew, this would be the last time he’d come home to their house. The last time to eat dinner together as a family and then put Christopher to bed, see him roll himself into his blankets and fall asleep. He just wished he’d have gotten the chance to do all of this a last time.

He’d thought about buying flowers home but in the end he’s decided against it. It seemed desperate and in the end, he’d be probably be the person who’d have to throw them away, when Eddie left. He didn’t think he could stand doing so.

Eddie was sitting by the kitchen table, opposite to a plate of spaghetti, obviously meant for Buck. The thought of eating alone made him sick to his stomach, but he still couldn’t fight the painful smile that crept its way on his face. They had a routine down. They worked perfectly together.

Or so he had thought, at least. The smile fell from his face.

Buck cleared his throat and walked to the kitchen. He wasn’t sure how to greet Eddie. He wanted to kiss him. Just lean in and kiss him, never stopping. Try and hold on to the moment for as long as he could but he doubted Eddie would appreciate it, not when he was about to break up with Buck.

”You look like hell,” Eddie greeted him, getting up and meeting him in the middle of the kitchen. Eddie put one of his hands on Buck’s neck and turned his head until Buck was looking into his eyes. ”Are you okay?”

Buck could honestly not think of a time when he was less okay. ”Is that spaghetti?”

Eddie frowned and turned halfway to look at the table and then back to Buck, maybe even more concerned now. ”Yes, I’ve just reheated it for you. Are you sure you are okay?”

Buck tried to think back. Think about how badly it had hurt when he’d had his leg crushed by the fire truck. How scared he had been when the woman pointed a gun at him. The fear when he nearly drowned in the elevator. When he choked on bread in front of Abby. When the first wave hit. When he lost Christopher.

He was okay, he tried to make himself say out loud. Everything was okay. He’s had so much worse.

Buck cleared his throat and walked out of Eddie’s touch over to the sink where he poured himself a glass of water. He couldn’t face Eddie, not like this. ”You wanted to talk?” He asked, casually, forcefully so. His tone sounded relaxed, not as tensed as the rest of him seemed to be.

”Yes,” Eddie answered, sounding a little confused but then seemed to catch himself. ”You wanna sit down?”

Buck wanted to pull him close and never let go. He wanted to beg him not to go. He wanted to tell him to _Please, please don’t go somewhere where you don’t want me with you_. He nodded and sat down in front of his plate. It was hot enough for it to smoke. Buck watched the smoke float in the air for a second before he looked up into Eddie’s eyes.

He loved him, he realized again. He loved him so much, what a lonely thing to do for him.

”Please don’t,” he heard himself say before he could even think about a plan of strategy. He clasped his hands over his mouth right after. He made a promise to himself to never lie to Eddie but that didn’t mean that he’s meant to say that. It slipped right past his control and now, out there, it seemed so out of place. It had been one of his most hurtful thoughts, he has never planned on actually saying it. It was selfish. Selfish and pathetically honest.

”What?” Eddie asked, his eyebrows raised in confusion. Buck swallowed heavily. If he wanted to find an excuse, now was the moment. There was a thing he could say to clear all of this up and he’d give about everything to know what that was. As it was, though, there was his chance. His chance to actually do any and everything if it meant keeping his family.

”I know this is selfish,” Buck all but whispered. It was no explanation or excuse but he needed Eddie to know that. He needed him to know that he was not Buck 1.0 anymore. He could think of more people than just himself. In fact, it had been quite a while since the last time he has put himself first. So yes, the problem wasn’t that he didn’t know that. The problem was, that knowing something didn’t take the truth out of the fact. It didn’t make him less selfish. ”I know, okay?”

”What are you talking about?”

”I didn’t even want to say it or anything about it,” Buck urged, his tone pleading but serious. It was no lie, he hadn’t planned on saying any of this. Not really. In his head, maybe, he’d planned out a perfect speech that somehow made Eddie overlook all his faults and stay, but he’s never meant to actually tell him all of that. ”But please stay. Please. If you see any chance that this might be enough, that I might be enough, please don’t go.”

Eddie looked down to where he was sitting in his chair as if he needed to prove to himself that he was still there. He looked so deeply confused as if he really couldn’t see what Buck already knew. ”What?” He asked, frowning in bewilderment. ”You are always enough, Buck,” he added then as if he just actually processed what Buck has just said to him and couldn’t let it just stay unanswered.

Buck clasped his hands together and held on for what felt like dear life. This was the only chance he’s got. He might have already lost, but there was a little, tiny possibility that he could make him stay, somehow. Maybe. And he’d give it his everything.

”Tell me what to do,” Buck said, soberly. His voice didn’t waver nor break and he had no idea how he’d managed that. ”What to change. Anything, I mean it. I can change, we both know that.”

Eddie starred at him with slightly opened mouth for a second longer before he answered. ”I booked a flight,” he said then after a beat, sounding so confused but Buck couldn’t figure out why.

Well, that was that then, apparently.

Buck’s shoulders slumped, he let his head fall forward and sighed. ”I know,” he said defeatedly. And _oh,_ how he knew.

He closed his eyes, trying to fight the tears that threatened to escape his eyes. He couldn’t cry now. He couldn’t let Eddie know that he might leave and find a better life, but Buck wouldn’t. He just didn’t see himself ever being happy again after this.

Would Eddie let him see Christopher from time to time? Would that hurt him more or less?

”What?” Eddie exclaimed, sounding surprised. ”You know? Damn it, Evan.”

Buck’s head shot up and he shook his head nearly fanatically. "I didn’t go through your stuff! I swear. They just laid there,” he defended himself as if it mattered. It was over, he knew it.

He wished hadn’t found them either. So he could still be seeing things the way he had before. When he was convinced, somehow, that he deserved nice things and that Eddie wasn’t going to leave him. Foolishly.

”You could go through my stuff, I wouldn’t be mad,” Eddie said, still sounding confused. ”But, yes well. This was supposed to be a surprise.” Eddie brushed with his hand through his hair as if he was suddenly the nervous one.

Buck scoffed again, not knowing what to do with his hands. He wanted to grab Eddie’s arm and never let go. He wanted to pull his own hair out. He wanted something to hold on to until his world stopped breaking apart around him. He was helpless. ”It sure was,” Buck answered with a quiet voice.

He had been surprised when he’d found the tickets. Because, really, for a second there he had felt secure. For a moment, he hadn’t been the guy everyone left behind eventually. For a moment he’d had more to live for than his job. He wasn’t just giving and never getting anything back anymore. He’d been happy. _When is it my turn to be happy?_ He’d asked Bobby what felt like a century ago. He’d thought it was finally there, his time to just be content with how his life went. To not be chasing something anymore, but to be actually just happy with where he was and how things were going. It hadn’t been his turn, apparently. It never seemed to be.

”I think it’d be a good idea,” Eddie continued. His voice soft and careful, as if what he saying wasn’t leading to the greatest heart break Buck’s ever experienced. Buck closed his eyes and then nodded. Abby had said the same thing. And he got it. He really did.

”Why didn’t you say something when you found them?” Eddie asked after Buck’s been silent for a little while. He hadn’t known what to say about all of it. Of course, Eddie thought it’d be a good idea to get away from him. If Buck could, he’d be running too.

 _Cause I thought that maybe I could convince you to stay,_ he didn’t say. It was a truth too ugly to be shared. Buck shrugged and tried to will the lump in his throat away. ”I didn’t want to spoil it.”

”There is nothing to spoil, Buck. It’s a good idea whether or not you were surprised by it,” Eddie laughed. Buck frowned, he couldn’t keep his eyes from the smile around his boyfriend’s lips. Funny, Buck thought, that he could look this happy but somehow it still wasn’t enough.

Buck didn’t smile back. There was no reason for it, maybe not ever again, as far as he was concerned. Eddie thought it was a _good idea_ , and really what more could be added to that. Buck nearly let out an hysteric giggle at the thought. He’d really thought that he could make Eddie stay. Convince him that it’d be the right thing and that Buck could be everything he needed. All this time while Buck was working to be the best he could possibly be, Eddie had been here, convinced he’s found the solution to all his problems.

”Buck, are you okay?” Eddie asked, interrupting his thoughts. Buck looked back into his eyes, startled.

”Of course,” he said, because in the end, despite what everybody may think of him, he’d never be the one who’d guilt Eddie into staying. It was the only answer to this question, even more so if it was a lie.

Eddie leaned forward and brushed a tear of Buck’s cheek with his thumb. Buck watched him silently, trying to find the point of this conversation when he’s lost enough control to actually cry after all. He couldn't even recall the moment.

”Then why are you crying?” Eddie asked as if he really couldn’t put it together. Maybe that was just it. Maybe Buck had always failed to communicate how much Eddie meant to him. Maybe that was reason of why he had to leave. Buck looked back down to his hands at that thought. He had to know. It’d break him to pieces, maybe make him hate himself more than he already was, but he needed to know. Or else he’d keep on spending his whole nights trying to find all the things he’s ever done wrong in his life. He couldn’t stand being kept in the dark. He had to know.

”Just, Eddie?” He asked and looked back up carefully. Eddie’s face was pulled into a concerned frown, his hand never leaving Buck’s cheek. Buck tried his hardest to memorise the feeling of his soft palm against his face. ”What was it?”

”What?” Eddie rubbed with his thumb against Buck’s cheekbone. It left a burning feeling behind that Buck never wanted to leave.

”What was the reason?” He clarified and leaned into the touch. He made it harder on himself, he knew that. But he couldn’t stop either. He’d always been bad at stopping himself from driving himself all the way deeper into chaos. Into pain. ”That I keep getting myself in danger? Or the tsunami? My dating history? What did I do to fuck this up?

Eddie took his hand off of Buck’s cheek and leaned back in his chair. ”Your dating history? What are you talking about Buck, I wasn’t exactly a virgin when we started dating either,” he said softly, as if to try and break the tension of the situation but then he sighed and let his shoulders drop. ”It was nothing you did, not really. The fight yesterday kind of really reminded me how good of an idea it is, though.”

“The fight, yes. I guess there is that whole unreliable thing too,” Buck scoffed and put his hand on his cheek where Eddie’s had been just a moment ago. Eddie bit his lower lip in what Buck knew was regret. Eddie hadn’t meant the things he said and he’s bring it up again later. If there was a later. ”Not really anything I did, sure. You all say that but it’s never me who leaves.”

”What do you mean? That’s kind of the whole point.” Eddie rubbed the back of his neck, a nearly bashful smile playing around his lips. He still looked confused, though. Buck had no idea what he had to be bewildered about.

”What are you talking about?” Buck called out, breathless. This not knowing was worse. He didn’t know how exactly but it felt so much worse. He felt like he was missing something. 

”I thought we had agreed it’d be a good idea?” Eddie really seemed to not see Buck’s problem. For the first time, Buck though that maybe he really wasn’t the selfish one here after all. When did Buck ever agree to any of this? Eddie didn’t need to act like was doing Buck a favour here. 

”I get that you feel the need to get away from me, I do,” Buck said slowly, trying to not lose Eddie somewhere between his words, as he’s seemed to have before. ”Everybody eventually gets tired of - well, me. And I get that. I am used to not being good enough.”

”Good enough?” Eddie asked dumbly, his mouth falling open in shock. ”Buck-”

”No,” Buck interrupted, suddenly furious. For a second he forgot that he was still fighting for Eddie to stay. Or let him stay. For a moment, he just wanted to be mad. At Maddie for getting his hopes up that he might get Eddie to not leave, at Eddie for wanting to give him up and at himself because somehow, yet again, he’d been able to ruin this. He’d been happy and then one wink of an eyelid later, he was cleaning up the aftershocks of his life falling apart. ”I have been trying to be better and I know that it’s still not enough, being good for a few weeks doesn’t make up for any of my mistakes, but it’s not my fault you suddenly saw me for what I really am.”

Eddie looked at him silently for what felt like forever. His mouth was still slightly opened and his eyebrows were raised high on his forehead. ”Oh,” he said then, only that. He looked surprised for only a second before his expression changed into one of hopeful disbelieve. As if he wished whatever he’d just realised wasn’t true. That there was somehow another explanation for something. Buck knew that feeling too well. He’s hoped for other explanations ever since he’d stumbled upon the tickets.

”Oh?” Buck asked back, his voice sharp. He was going to regret giving Eddie attitude later. He was going to lie awake and think of what could have happened if just he had been the bigger man right now. Or the equivalent of the bigger man in this situation.

”A vacation!” Eddie exclaimed. There was so much force behind it, Buck flinched back startled. ”I was planning a vacation.”

Buck blinked at Eddie. Then narrowed his eyes. Blinked again. He had no idea what Eddie was trying to tell him. It was as if his brain hadn’t been made to process the information he was trying to transmit. ”What?”

Eddie threw his hands in the air, a high pitched laugh leaving his lips. ”A vacation? With Chris and you and I, and the beach, sunshine? Rings a bell?”

”Chris, you and I?” Buck repeated, while brain was still doing nothing but what felt like flatlining. There was a warm feeling in his stomach though, something dangerously close to hope. Hope that Buck couldn’t allow himself to feel, not when everything Eddie was saying was nothing if not the very definition of none sense. ”Why would you take me with you?”

Eddie shock his head as if he was actually convinced Buck has lost his mind. The feeling was mutual. ”Of course with you, Buck. Why would I ever go anywhere and not take you with me?”

”Because it’s me,” Buck whispered. It’s what he’d also told Maddie a few weeks back. _Because it’s me. It’s always me._

”And why would that be a problem?” Eddie asked, leaning his arms on the table. His frown was back in place, but laced with something so sad, so painful, Buck hated to know that he was the reason for it. It was similar to the expression Maddie had looked at him with. Buck wondered when the time would come in which he didn’t make everybody close to him so sad without ever meaning to.

”That’s what I asked you,” Buck clarified, slowly. ”I have tried to be better, but you’ll still leave.”

”Leave together with you,” Eddie said just as slowly. He looked at Buck as if he was a scared animal. Any wrong move and he’d bail. ”And come back.”

Buck shook his head and swallowed heavily. The hope inside of him confused him. He didn’t want to give in and feel it. Not when the disappointment that would follow might actually kill him. ”Nobody ever comes back for me.”

”I don’t have to even come back for you. I’d never leave without you in the first place. I don’t ever want to be somewhere without my family,” Eddie said, convinced. Buck starred at him for a few seconds. Starred at his relaxed posture, all of his things all over the kitchen, the reheated food in front of Buck. And yes, maybe all of that was not how a man about to run away and never look back behaved.

_”You are sweet,”_ Eddie had said before kissing Buck, without hesitation or worries.

 _”So what are you starring at me for?”_ Buck had asked and _”Because he’s in love,”_ Chimney’d answered because there was no doubt for him there. It had been obvious to the people around them.

 _”I love you, man.”_ He had told him. Told him all the time, as if he didn’t even have to think about it anymore because it was undoubtedly true.

Buck put his hands against his temples and closed his eyes. He tried to reconnect all the dots, connections he’s made weeks ago, things he’d been so certain about, suddenly seemed so wrong, so unproved, so untrue.

”You aren’t running,” Buck whispered before opening his eyes. ”You are not leaving me, are you?”

Eddie got up and walked around the table before kneeling down next to Buck, looking up at him, his hands on his knees. ”Buck, I love you. You are everything I’ve ever searched for. You and Chris are my family. Why would I ever run from that?”

”Because it’s me,” Buck repeated, but there as no force behind it. It didn’t feel as certain as it had all the other times he’d said it. As if there was more to it now, and maybe not all of it was actually true.

”And I think that’s a pretty good reason for me to stay, forever,” Eddie said softly, taking Buck’s hands in his. ”Buck, what Abby and Ali have done is on them. You don’t need to be better for me to stay here. You are perfect for me exactly the way you are.”

”You really think so?” Buck asked, already knowing that no matter what his answer would be, he’d probably spend the rest of his life not quite believing it. But it might be okay, regardless. Eddie’d be there to remind him of it, over and over again.

”Yes, though,” Eddie said and got up to lean against the table, never letting Buck’s hands go. ”You actually picking up your socks from the floor? An unexpected pleasure.”

Buck laughed, it sounded a little wet and maybe a little too loud, too hopeful, but there was a weight the size of the whole world falling off his shoulders with the realisation that came with what Eddie said. The answer to the question of _When is he going to come home and his family would be gone_ was Never. And even if it might take some time for that to actually be something he knew and would stop being paranoid about, he wasn’t alone. He won’t be.

”It were the socks,” Eddie but his bottom lip, looking a bit lost in thought for little while and then shook his head in a self deprecating way. ”I haven’t even really thought about it, you know? This morning I got up and saw that you had picked them up and I didn’t lose any sleep over it. But you did.”

Eddie turned his head and looked over his shoulder. Suddenly, Buck wasn’t the only one noticing anymore, and he didn’t know if he liked that. He felt so exposed. All his efforts that he made for no reason, apparently, looked pathetic in the light of the truth behind it all. Eddie didn’t look like he thought it was embarrassing. He looked sad. ”Buck -”

”It’s what I do,” Buck rushed to interrupt him, because it really was just him. He tried to fix things and sometimes he missed his goal by a mile, but that was ok. It was all going to be okay, somehow, now that he knew that he would not be alone. He would keep what he had been begging to hold close, for weeks now. ”I know that sometimes I try to make everything right and fall head over heels into nothing but mistakes.”

Eddie smiled softly at him. ”I won’t leave you. You don’t have to clean up around the house or anywhere to make me stay. If you ever feel like this again, you come and talk to me, okay? We can figure everything out. I’ll always be right here, even when you leave your socks on the floor.”

”Now that I know you are totally gone for me, I might just leave them right where I take them off, again,” Buck said, maybe a bit more careful than normally, but he was getting there. They were. Buck was going to stay and as was Eddie and that was that. Apparently. Buck felt like he could finally breath again for the first time in months.

Eddie laughed and pressed a lingering kiss to Buck’s mouth. Buck couldn’t help but smile into it. ”I might just be okay with it, if it means you are becoming secure in our relationship again.”

Buck felt like he might cry again. He couldn’t believe he really got to have all that and keep it.

”I love you too, you know.”

Eddie smiled softly at him and then nodded. Buck smiled right back, he couldn’t see any reason not to do so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We did it!! They are happy again (even though it took me 5540 years to upload this hi. hello. fdhjsjd)
> 
> Let me know what you thought of this story and the ending :-). The last chapter got a lot of comments so you can bet your ass I was a super - happy - Nick, stressed about Uni and work but happy fhkddkd <3
> 
> If you are interested in other Buddie stories by me, I have just uploaded the first chapters of two!! I would also love to read your comments about these!! <3 ( you have been warned: I apparently LOVE making Buck suffer. Idk dude I just make him go through all the angst jdfjhsj whoops)
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/22961587/chapters/54888439  
> (”Honestly, just kiss already!” Hen called.
> 
> It was to be expected. Chimney had been nagging Buck about it for months. Everybody told him that he has met his real deal. That it was obvious.  
> What they didn’t see coming, though -
> 
> “Why on earth would I kiss Buck?”
> 
> \- was that Eddie just didn’t love him back, as easy as that.)
> 
> /  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/22914871/chapters/54772186
> 
> Not telling his co - workers that Eddie was a father, had seemed like a good idea at the time. It had been. Eddie hadn't counted on falling in love with Buck, though. He also hadn't planned that they would get together, in a long term relationship. Buck was scared of commitment, after all. It was common knowledge. He would leave Eddie when he found out about Christopher, surely.  
> Unfortunately, that didn't change the fact that Eddie did have a son.
> 
> Buck is meanwhile on a quest to find happiness. He may find a whole family on the way.
> 
> \-----
> 
> I hope you like these stories and enjoyed this one!!
> 
> \- Nick <3

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! 
> 
> Christopher is as old here as he is in the show now (so 8). I felt the need to clarify that since somebody was mean to me in the comments :( 😂 first comment too, how mean is that!! 
> 
> Anyway,  
> I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! I always love to read comments and your thoughts about it, those always make me so happy !! :-)'
> 
> Full disclosure, I have a bunch of notes and ideas (for more story ideas, too, for longer Buddie stories, get ready!) for this, but I am also being eaten alive by two jobs and college so it might be a hot second before I can upload the next chapter. But I won't forget about it. I'm excited to write more for this!!  
> (And also, really, I have like 6 story ideas for Buddie story with concepts that I have not seen before so - somebody give me some of their free time and I'll go wild. Hi hello, I want to take a nap :( - what was I saying? )
> 
> Anyways, Buck and Eddie (and the whole lot of the 118) stole my heart, so imma go and make them suffer with my love for Angst ™ and happy endings !! 
> 
> I'm looking forward to read your comments! :-)'
> 
> \- Nick ♥️


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